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NEWS
Google Streetview Updated (includes Bathford)!
The amazing sights of Bathford can be seen on GoogleStreetview. If you look closely you can see on this link, a car thief. Sadly, these pictures were taken in mid 2009, so the car could be as far as Batheaston by now, or further still if the theif has realised this is a motorised vehicle. Crown Pub to re-open (this is highly inaccurate/accurate, delete as applicable).
So the end of last year was full of so much change at the Crown, that it was mostly boycotted. Fact was stranger than fiction which ended in a punch up followed by all the beer, tables (yes those nice sewing machine based ones), chairs and several customers who had forgotton to leave being sold. Several notices changed on the front of the pub and the lease reverted to the original owner (a pigeon who sits in the tree opposite). Pigeons are no good at running pubs, so not just the lease, but the whole building has been sold to two people; one of which may be Paul, who tried to buy the pub when the lease was first up for sale. The other person, who shall be reffered to as 'unknown male 1' may or may not live in Church Street. The plan is to turn the pub into a wine bar. Paranormal activity around Roadworks.
(If you wish to give any feedback- click on the forum link above and use username and password 'blap'). We found that the roadworks at the bottom of Bthford |Hill were gas related. Also, long term managers of the Crown, Steve and Rachel seem to have also disappeared. As far as we can make out or up, one morning, Steve, who smelled something bad (and is also made of gas) walked outside the pub. Within the hour he had discovered a 'Bermuda Triangle' style occurance whereby entering the hole in the road, you then immediatly leave the area outside the pub and appear in the middle of the A4 roundabout. The side affects of the gas cause you to then leave the entire area within an hour. Sadly, Steve had told his family of the fun, who have also disappeared. Due to the decrease in the population, the gas board quickly acted to cover up the works, apart from one man, who remains under a manhole, screaming "Numpties... numpties". According to our calculations, his twenty three doughnuts will last for another twelve weeks. During the twelve weeks, he is also allowed to phone people up and ask why they are not coming in until his credit and or doughnuts run out. This is expected to happen around mid February. Man Cancelled!
"A man due to walk down Bathford Hill on Tuesday has been cancelled due to high winds", reported councillor Bob Gifford. "I am surprised at this." Said one man. "I am not." Said a second man. "Our names are not important." Said a third. Whitehaven sold.
Jeremy the tree (who now controls the village of Bathford) has purchased Whitehaven for over 3 million pounds. Jeremy has lived in the grounds for all his life (well, he is a tree, its not as if he can move, issit?). How a tree got the money or negotiated a deal is as much a mystery as how he overthrew the British Legion. Jeremy has also spotted a very interesting development opportunity as part of the land within the Whitehaven grounds is strangely outside the green belt. Jeremy has already upset locals with access issues but believes that building five extra properties will soon distract from this. In a recent statement he said "Three turkeys will be killed for every day that planning is not approved, hear my fury" In related news, three badgers known as "The Commitee for Rural Assisted Practices" (aka CRAP) have questioned recent conflicting decisions by the planning authorities who seem to be moderatly insane.
Car on fire on high street.
Another unlikely story- pictures coming soon.
Crown Pub celebrates new ownership. On the 28th March everybody is welcome to join the new owners of the crown for a free drink and some food. Some great changes have been made, go and check them out! Shift of power in village!
A giant tree called 'Jeremy' has somehow managed to overthrow the previous rulers of Bathford (The Royal British Legion). The tree is fairly powerful and is rumoured to have purchased former care home 'Whitehaven' for £17. Details are sketchy at the moment, however we hope to keep tabs on this development.
New Sign Dubbed as 'Inappropriate'
A new 'Deer Collision Speed Check' sign has been put up as you leave Bathford from the High Street. The aim by the Parish Council is believed to be a points scoring game whereby hitting a deer at a higher speed earns more points. However, the sign could have been put to better use to let cars know of their speed entering the 30mph limit, rather than their speed while hitting a deer leaving the village. This could be due to excess transport funds- rumours have lead to the speculation of the bus service being replaced by a Harrier Jump Jet until the new financial year in April (leaving from 'Drovers Park').
 Pub changes hands.
The Crown at Bathford has recently changed hands. A suggestion box is on the bar next to a man. The pub is now using its left hand.
Dovers Park renamed!
 Dovers park has been renamed to 'Drovers Park'. Nobody really knows why or cares- however the rugby field opposite the offending bus stop sign reacted by covering itslef in frost!
 The sign can be found on the pub side of Bathford Hill in the bus shelter.
3Kgs of Snobbery found in bush!
A bush in the area where the bottom of Garstons adjoins Ashley road has been found to contain 3Kgs of snobbery. Dog poo was a problem for this area previously and residents have been quick to address this issue:
"All snobbery should be kept around one's person at all times until it can be discarded" remaked Gail Heston-Glovebox,
"Snobbery is dangerous and offensive. It should be disposed of as soon as one can manage".
The council does provide the village with a weekly collection service from the invisable bins provided, however in recent weeks the lorry has become too heavy during the rounds and certain areas have been left incumbered with excessive waste- the problem being that the invisible bins are even harder to find the next day, when the lorry has been emptied.
Bulletin to change direction.
For 15 years, the Bathford Bulletin has been edited by Kenneth Spencer (aka Tasselhoff Burrfoot) who also runs the original Bathford website bathford.org.uk
On this site is now a statement which was given to him by the communications group and his responses to what they stated. It makes for interesting reading.
The following is in reply to the former editors remarks on Bathford.org.uk which do miss out some key reasoning behind the change.
These ideas may be just as valid or invalid as the former editors points and should be read using the internet.
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The editor of this site (who for reasons of irony is now speaking in the third person to fall in line with org.uk) has made some observations:
15 years is a long time to edit a monthly newsletter, this is a large acheivement! Hats off for this!
A community run newsletter is probably best run by a community from that village rather than somebody "strictly independent" to make their own editorial unchecked changes and judgements. Quite simply, one man is not a community and Atworth is not in Bathford, thus falling short of the two main catagories for a Bathford community publication.
Following from the last comment, the Atworth Newsletter and website is run by Kenneth Spencer as well. This shouldnt be a problem, however if Mr.S keeps moving house he could be making editorial decisions for all sorts of places he used to live in! A fictional European commission made up just now by this editor has estimated that by the year 2020 there could be as many as 12 villages without resident editors- unable to make their own mind up on what to do!
Forum Fixed
At last the forum can now accept new users again. The Forum changes your words after you post- this helps people understand!
Replica Chronicle Scam hits village.
 (Jimmygoat- one of the fraudsters)
Two local men were held in custody overnight in the "Bathford Lock Up" and then released this morning on bail having being charged with fraudulent production of poor newspapers. Jimmygoat 'M' and Ned no surname were found to be 'Dealing' the papers to raise money for their new album "Bathford Welcomes Careful Drivers" (the album title having been stolen from a road sign). Failed newsagents, Jimmy and Ned hd attempted drug dealing, however this plan failed miserably as most of the Bathford population is over 65 and supplied drugs free of charge courtesy of the NHS. Having failed as drug dealers they approached local paper mill 'Portals' to produce their paper "The Bathford Chronicle". The arrest came yesterday afternoon as the pair were 'passing off' the papers as if they were the Bath Chronicle.
One local man said "Hello", whilst more relevant comment came from
arresting officer Nadia Falseclark
"These men pose no threat to the community, only to common sense and fair trading. Shouting the word 'Chronicle' at pensioners was misleading as the item being sold was the lesser known 'Bathford Chronicle' hence their arrest. Also, there was no intention of recycling."
Ned and Jimmy launh their album in early September with more details available at www.clsm.net
Neighbouring village of 'Bath Sponge' to lodge formal complaint.
We have just heard of a complaint being lodged by small nearby village 'Bath Sponge' against plans to make a 1/3rd scale replica of Southampton Docks next to the railway line. Bath Sponge feel that the docks would be pointless due to the lack of seafaring traffic in the area, but Colin Salmon, spokesman for the parish council disagrees.
"People would come from miles around to see the spectacle. This would force them through a newly built toll road and a mandatory visit to the local shop before leaving thus paying for the structure. People would be so bewildered that they would need a second and third visit- they themselves would become a spectacle for the local people and probably solve some sort of local problems- whatever they are."
Traffic Island to be relocated in river .
Luckily, in 2003 we were at last treated to three traffic islands on Bathford High Street at a cost of £20 000. All three have given motorists the chance to sound their horns everytime they feel their right of way has been ignored.
Sadly, the traffic island by the post office (Eric) has decided to call it a day and move to the river to divert water and shopping trollies.
 "Yeah, its like I felt it was time for a change and my spiritual home is in the river. It all started when I was meant to be nearer Dovers Park and I was put by the post office by BANES. So right from the start there has been some hostility- this included the people that drove into me in the early years."
T-Mobile Phone mast:
Plans are afoot to attach a mobile phone transmitter to the pylon opposite the crown. Fictional councellor Jade Henman didn't say
"The sooner we get this up the better, these things work using microwave radiation, being in that field would be like being in a microwave... In short, those cows that graze during the summer could be slow cooked and ready to eat by Fireworks night and provide a source of nutrition for many"
Here are some facts to contemplate:
If you work on phone masts you are limited to the time you can spend near them while they are operational, so its certainly not the case that they are 100% safe.
Television signals are broadcast accross the country via satellite dishes- workers in that industry are well aware NOT to stand in front of such dishes as doing so is known to cause infertility.
Some law suites in the USA have been taken to court for 'brain damage leading to death', however the people most passionate about this were dead at the time and so didn't do so well in proving their case.
Changes to Mine Ownership
Wandsdyke Security Ltd. purchased Districts 19 and 20 of the WW2 storage complex at the top of the hill. they have asked Avon wildlife trust to close the points of 'forced entry' to these areas which can currently be accessed through the mines. Whether this is going to mean no entry to the mines in any areas or no entry to the sectors now owned by Wandsdyke Security ltd is not clear- however the easiest solution would be to seal up the outter entrances. The purchase was made on the 3rd April 07'.
Whitehaven Sale
All sorts of rumours surrond the sale of the nursing home 'Whitehaven'. What we do know is that all of the residents have to be out by the 20th April. Johnny Depp was rumoured to have brought the property but may have instead been distracted by this scaffolding here .
Alternative rumours include the sale as a BUPA care home, a storage facility for Kylie's hotpants or a collection point for Madonna's adopted children.
Bathford Twinning.
Artennes in France has issued the following statement:
"Our little commune,
steadfast in its attitude of openness as regards Europe, ideally situated at the heart of a valley most popular with tourists, has finally fulfilled its plan for twinning. ARTANNES is delighted to announce its marriage to the small Tuscan town of Roccastrada in 2003" Many people in Bathford have been mislead that we are twinned with Artennes-. This is from the Artennes website:
"At the same time, we should not forget that Artannes
is continuing to strengthen its links with Bathford, a village in the South of England, with which Artannes already has deep and meaningful ties with a view to entering into a second twinning." What does this mean? Artennes were just thinking about being twinned with us, but twinned with somebody else first. We are the twinning Misstress of Artennes!
 As of Saturday 11th November 2006 Bathford will be twinned with Donny Osmonds hair. Donny Osmond's hair will be considered to be the main twinning with Bathford. Donny Osmond is more internationally known and generally more funky than Artennes. Approximatly 37% of people can draw up some image in their mind of Donny Osmonds hair- compared to 0.35% of people knowing this Artennes character.
Andrew Backinsell Bathford Statement.
This week Andrew Backinsell said
"You will never find a better village to store your dead pets- the compost heap on the village green is discreet and well tended."
Since coming from semi fictional twinned Norwegen village 'Bathfjord' Andrew has planted 6 cats, a mongoose and a freeze dried lepricorn in the heap.
Cougar Spotted twice within 6 weeks.
A large black cat has been spotted twice in the last 6 weeks in Bathford. It is believed to be the same cat spotted 3 years ago, first by Ron and then in Batheaston which was then reported in the local newspaper.
Local man suggests Bath Spa share scheme. A logical man has suggested that the Bath Spa project is now owned by the public who funded it and that in its lifetime these people will stand to receive any profits as they have already paid for the overspend.
Bus Unfair increase. A bus fare from Bathford to the city centre and back has now risen 50p to £3. The price rise comes in time for Christmas. A spokesperson for Firstgroup was unavailable due to shopping commitments. This leads us to ask whether the service has become 20% better since the increase?
Dead man found alive! More dead news here. A previously dead man was found alive this week on Ashley road. A passer by asked "Are you ok?", to which the man replied "yes". Previous attemps at being dead were by local cats.
Bathford Twinning. Bathford is now twinned with the semi fictional village of Bathfjord in Norway. If you are reading this from Bathfjord we would love to hear from you via the forum. If you would like to visit, you could be made welcome here as we do have a number of walk in refridgeration units in the village which may be to your liking.
Dead people banned! After a disturbance last week involving shouting and vegatables, dead people have been given a 7pm curfew around the troubled area of Garstons. The trouble started when three dead people took to the streets hurling items from the nearby allotments and shouting rude words such as 'poo' and 'flapjacks'. A number of local people realised they could complain and did. Local hitmen were dispatched from the RBL armed with stakes and silver bullets. Quick work was made of the walking dead. As a result the RBL have issued a 7pm curfew so as not to disturb the commuting public of Garstons.
Man seen walking. A local man has been seen walking recently on a pavement. First sightings were on Tuesday morning and were at first considered to be a hoax but more people have confirmed the act. The man was then seen entering a house using a door key on purpose. The incident is considered to be a one off however residents are urged not to panic if they see anybody walking in the future.
Council to install patrol badgers on village boarders. The Royal British Legion (who control the council) have revealed plans to install security badgers on the boarders of Bathford. This move has come about to reduce the influx of pensioners from Batheaston who are using the new footbridge to travel to Bathford. The Legion fears that the continuing increase in pensioners on foot will soon clog up the pavement near to Whitehaven where the incline increases and the pensioners almost come to a standstill. Further lack of oxygen caused by the extra breath needed to climb the hill could cause death to other passers by. The Legion have admitted flaws in the plan as 'nibbling and moderatly cross badgers' may not be the perfect solution however they do provide a very cost effective solution.
Outbreak of insane illegal yellow lines! Mid May and the council have gone mad. It is alleged that a person of 'authority' has a bee in ther bonnet about people parking in certain areas. This has lead to a petty outbreak of yellow lines. Sadly these will almost immediatly be removed and repainted as anything on the upper side of the High street is of course a conservation area. This means that special narrow yellow lines should be used as in other conservation areas around Bath. A blind man said yesterday 'I can't see the yellow lines' while another man said 'this money along with the traffic island money could have been used towards the tennis courts people have been asking for' and added 'playing tennis in the street just won't be safe'. An investigation will start shortly to find out if anybody apart from the 'person in authority' wanted these lines. Some people believe that this is the result of a 'Double Dare' amongst the council on a drunken night out.
Oh deer! 'Daniel', a young blind deer had been roaming the streets of Bathford.com having lost his family at the weekend. He was spotted on Bathford hill on Sunday morning attempting to get pensioners to Foster him into their families. This lead to a stand off. At 9.46am he was captured and put in an RSPCA van. Click here for an mpeg movie showing the deer.
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Bathford.comA website existing in parallel to real life.
 Some content on this site is 100% accurate fiction.
If you have any local knowledge to pass on, please use the Forum. You can post on the forum, it is a place where not swearing can be enjoyed. This site is not dedicated to one group but is linked to a group of hardcore music terrorists-
lead by a monkey with no arms. The group are considered insurgents in the community despite their aim to liberate the village from the control of the outragous RBL.
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 (One of the three great traffic calming things)
(The stupidly titled 'New Road'- now quite old)
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